Holy Gangster Therapy!! This Piece, Rhyme Scheme And All, Is Neat, Just Catch The Beat, Like 1 2 3, Ends Fall On The Sound Of The Letter E&By The Way, Writing It = Negative Energy Released. COMPLEXITY WARNING- It’s A Confusing Read
Breathe easy, be breezy, feel freely, but, I ask you kindly to never smile simply just to please me. I trust in you to never mislead me.
In place, your eyes have the debilitating ability to seize my logical thought process completely, but your heat is too far away and I, pathetically, lack the emotional immunity to the hypnotizing frost that love happens to breath into craniums through breaking and entering, penetrating forcefully which awkwardly, normally results in ecstasy, at least in the beginning, that’s the first thing you notice immediately but my outer casing comes with defense, and is shamefully heavily guarded at best, skull and chest like a bullet proof vest.
I can’t grasp the meaning of defeat beyond instituting every way to dodge and cheat my way by, fight- skin and teeth- against the pull to trust secrets that itch to leak and open a stream begging to be home to a mutiny of parasitic disease that infects you VIA blood stream. This hopelessly includes surrendering, signing a confession, complete with a signed guilty plea by an orange clad prisoner, smiling cheerfully, convinced prison is the best place to be and ready to embrace the insanity, a delusional mindset that must be shared in order for said lunacy to grow and thrive comfortably between partner a and partner b when looking to live life, consecutively. Arm and arm. You and me, content with our heart’s choice, our brains shouts of danger dulled by a welcomed stupidity. So many people are just too risky, I’m not someone that has ever known silence’s euphony— because a bonefied ninja walks lightly but is always tense, listening intently, as to never disturb the peace.
I’ll work with you if you work with me, patiently, on a few random things. Don’t force yourself to try and follow me, it’s okay if we just let be.
However, that examination was done pointlessly and the explanation was only to help YOU see for future referencing since a solid block of ice may never cease to be my destiny since, and I say this sorrowfully, my heart didn’t come with a system to contain and cycle antifreeze and no capable mechanic to hand the keys— which means the absence of a core necessity in having a relationship that’s healthy. Let’s try and simplify- basically: I have this self deemed psychological disability that leads to occasional instability which I fear will be enough to drive you to choose to stay far away and hoard your warmth selfishly until you find someone whose temperature and yours happen to swirl with ease, and comfortably agree, drained from the calls— early morning, cold and dark, almost always around three— to save the Kitten from the tree and I know exactly where that happens to usually lead—
An impossibly long, pitch black decent into the same, old tendency of giving in to the worry that I’ll be stuck, feelings of terror that have me permanently resort to the desperation that weaves and plants its impenetrable, immortal seeds to infect the human mind’s delicate psyche irreversibly.
To give you an analogy, it’s like when an older sibling, with a dangerous amount of curiosity, stumbles upon gruesome scenes of murderous deeds over the computer screen, blissfully naive to how damaging they can be in combination with a heightened sensitivity since everybody processes events and stimuli differently— opposing beings even to this day, his hands are spotless, nice and clean while my palms are painted bright red, oh so oh so filthy — because there is me— forced to watch video after video of violent and gory filmed acts of obscenities, and fighting the overwhelming desire to scream… so innocent and trusting, born that way naturally, compassion somehow snuck in genetically before I was exposed to my familial community to which, by blood and birth, I was received making sure my tears can’t be seen in the monitors glowing light gleam— For anything fear inducing threatens to continue, that is until you conquer the immediate instinct to outwardly act how you’re feeling: miserable, cold and cowardly.
So now I need to proceed thoughtfully and make a decision if I should back track, or proceed fearlessly against what I irrationally view happening, most likely— stuck frozen in time, still standing here, helplessly, powerless to yell STOP as I watch you leave and yet I somehow obliviously believe that the anxiety will retreat but the paranoia insists it’s only a matter of time before this combusts explosively and leaves me, desperately, revisiting that memory of watching my world being gutted, and running dry, only thing to do is watch it bleed… and then replay it occasionally and painfully when I feel the common need of a concrete reminder of how dangerous it is to be TOO warm- for then you are complete.
And there’s a certain Fahrenheit everyone has to meet in order to revive the stream of life but it will all quickly deplete if it’s no longer a necessity— and what’s not needed tends to have an uncomfortable urge to retreat even when offered and begged to accept a permanent seat in order to beat being hit by a car, because watching someone’s life go by submissively is like being a pedestrian on a crowded street, so he moves his feet and goes on share with the rest of the best that are in emotional poverty, not yet in control of their codependency, until you join them once again - and hit repeat.
Or you can isolate and eliminate any recollection of the feeling ‘lonely’ and perfect the art of lying to yourself, trying to tell a grumbling stomach “You are NOT empty” when the growling is a constant reminder that you’re hungry- you have to resist the urge to engorge on the immediate supply of meat, taking in just enough to sustain your vessels gears, even though nutritional inadequancy comes with even more, equally serious fees, and cut that vulnerability off from any intake of air, so it lasts you years, maybe even a life time, instead of just a measly couple of weeks—
Now, confusion is the ultimate enemy when dealing with subjectivity so, to give you a justifying summary- I’m not saying in this piece of Gangster Therapy, because it’s too raw to call poetry- that the solution is to never feed, just do so generously, but also use instinct to carefully ensure none spoils or gets wasted recklessly and maybe it’s possible to keep someone else as well as yourself completely happy…
Or am I just being a ghost of the hopeful, once was me when I didn’t view love and companionship, or human beings as a whole so cynically. Call me a pessimist but in reality, that makes it all feel so cheap, the long term effects of switching between “It’s all just a joke” to “Act only passionately” which requires being a hypocrite and contradicting the scheme, for passion comes from taking life seriously. I guess it comes with experience, being able to enjoy something fully while still contending with the inconvenience of strictly practicing restraint, systemically.